A new journey

it hasnt been long since my father has left me and my stepmom but it seems like a lifetime i miss him so much! it hasnt really hit me yet that he is gone it seems like he is on the road and he will be back soon from a trip. even though we got his ashes last week it still seems like he is here...i feel bad i want to break down and cry but i cant bring myself to its not that i dont care i love him more than anything and i miss him like crazy i guess its just not my time to let it out! sometime i sit and thing that he is still here and i talk to him as if he was right next to me...i have had everyone tell me im so sorry and i just dont want to hear that i want my daddy back...i appriciate everything everyone has done for me but my life will never be the same without him and i have to realize that...my stepmom found pics of me and my dad when i was real little and i cried when i saw them the good ol' days i have been and always will be daddys little girl no matter what its just really hard to believe he is gone forever and i will never have him with me again until its my time to go...but i kno he will be waiting for me one day. im glad that he is not in pain anymore but i cant wait to see him again...i just want to wish him a safe journey and its not goodbye i will see u when its my time...I LOVE U DADDY MORE THAN U WILL EVER KNO!!! HAVE A SAFE JOURNEY!!! i will never forget u!!! love always kamalynn

the end of the journey

today is the end of my fathers journey he passed away this morning. my stepmom found him at about 4:50am this morning. i am just glad that he is not in pain or suffering anymore but i still want to be selfish and have him here with me but not be in pain. i miss him already the only thing keeping me strong is my daughter i have to keep it together so i can take care of her and make sure that she has what she needs...i guess all i have to say is I LOVE U DADDY and its not goodbye its c-ya later you will be waiting for me at the gates one day! I LOVE YOU AND WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!! R.I.P. DADDY!!! (R.I.P. William Hesburn)

sorry i havent written in a while things have been hectic...got some bad news today the hospice nurse gave my dad hours he isnt doing good at all...i have been crying and trying to get through it all day im gonna miss him so much! thank god for my little girl she will make sure that we all get through this hard time up ahead! i just want him to let go and not suffer anymore he needs his rest and i kno he will be watching over us all the time and he is always in our hearts...i just want to say I LOVE YOU DADDY MORE THAN U WILL EVER KNO ITS OK TO LET GO WE WILL BE FINE!!!
love always
kamalynn

the worst news

my stepmother and i just got the worst news someone could ever get...my fathers hospice nurse stopped by and told us that as fast as he is declining that he only has about 3 days left give or take...im not ready to lose my father i love him with all my heart but at the same token i dont want him to suffer either...thank god for my daughter she will be mine and my stepmoms therapy taking care of her will help take our minds off of my father dying she is so beautiful and innocent that she will help us get through this huge milestone in our lives...im really trying to keep it together but its really hard i keep crying and my baby knows something is wrong she can sense it...thank u for listening to me and letting me get this out...kama lynn

getting towards the end

hello sorry i havent been on in a while i have had my little baby girl and my father is so happy to be a grandfather...now that she is here he has been going down hill really fast he is now on oxygen most of the day someone has to stay with him at all times. even though he is getting worse he still wants to hold his grand daughter and feed her we have taken many many pictures of him with her! he was in the room with me when i gave birth to my daughter Caliann. he was also the first one to hold her...he is a proud grandpa of a beautiful girl. but now that she is here things are getting worse for him he cant even stand on his own he needs mine and my stepmoms help to get up and to his wheelchair...its so hard for me to watch him go downhill so fast especially with a newborn baby...i will keep everyone updated on whats going on thank you for listening and letting me vent...kama lynn

a good day

today is a good day for my father, he is on his computer listening to music. his balance is getting a little worse each week but he is managing. he is upbeat for the most part which makes me happy, we talk and i spend a lot of time with him. i am even staying close to him when i move into my new apartment im only gonna be a hop skip and a jump away. i am really happy that he is doing better today, on these days i feel like i have my old father back we sit and talk, joke around and just have as much fun as he can handle. he is coming around to the idea that in just a few short weeks he will be a grandfather also, sometimes he rubs my belly to try and feel her kick. i cant wait to see the look on his face the first time he sees and holds his grandaughter. well thats all for today...

just getting by

today is one of his bad days, these are the days that are really hard for me to see him. he has been sleeping quite a bit lately. its hard to keep the tears back when i talk to him today i wish that this would just go away but i know it wont, and i have to deal with it. it helps that i have my stepmother to talk to about it but it also takes quite a bit out of me to talk about my father. he has always been my shoulder to cry on and the person that i run to when i need help. i still think of him in that sense but now he needs me to help sometimes, its a small price to pay for all that he has done for me. i love him more than anything and nothing will ever change that.